Adventures of JESUS
By Walt Sautter
973-819-8970
wsautter@optonline.net
Introduction to
EScreen
EScreen is a unique form of book style. It is written as a
modified screen play format so as to accommodate electronic reading devices.
Why should you read a book written in EScreen format?
It is a movie using your mind as its screen. It allows the
reader’s imagination to soar much as old time radio shows once did. It allows
you become more a part of the story rather than merely an observer. An entertaining story can be read in a short
time rather than the traditional book which often requires many hours. It is
entertainment that can easily be spliced into today’s fast paced life style no
matter how demanding your schedule might be.
Screen Play Terms Used in ‘The
Adventures of Jesus”
BEAT - In a
screenplay, this term is used to indicate a pause in a character's speech or
action. Also refers to actions or incidents within scenes.
CLOSE UP -
A detailed view of a person or object, usually without much context provided.
DISSOLVE TO: - A dissolve is a
transition between scenes in which two images gradually overlap each other.
EXT.-
Denotes a shot taken
out of doors.
FADE
IN / FADE OUT - Smooth, gradual transition from complete blackness to a scene (fade
in); gradual transition from a scene to complete blackness (fade out). Always
typed out in full in capital letters.
INT.-
Denotes a shot taken
indoors.
INTERCUTTING - An editing
method whereby related shots are inserted into a series of other shots for the
purpose of contrast or for some other effect.
NARRATION
- Off-screen
commentary, which is heard over the action. Also referred to as a voice over.
OFFSCREEN
(O.S.) - Indicates
that the character speaking is not visible in the frame. Always abbreviated in
all capital letters and enclosed in parentheses.
STOCK FOOTAGE: - Stock footage shows footage of events in history from other films
and/or television broadcasts.
Chapter 1
The Return
Ext. A dark sky with flashes of lightning
Sounds
of thunder are heard. Rolling text appears and is recited in a loud, deep,
echoing voice. The words -'REVELATION 1:7' - appears with the text but is not
recited.
Reader
(O.S.)
Look, Jesus is coming with the
clouds! Everyone will see him, even those who pierced him. All peoples of the
earth will cry loudly because of him. Yes, this will happen! Amen.
The
sky is cloudy, lightning flashes and thunder roar continues. Traditional
pictures of Jesus’s Second Coming fade in and out with the rolling, dark sky as
a background as Jesus and Gabriel speak.
GABRIEL
(O.S.)
Old school Bro! Needs an
update!
JESUS
(O.S.)
(a beat)
They call me the Messiah, the
Savior, the Son. Yeah that's me, I'm the one. I'm comin' back and this time I
ain't takin' no crap. No more good guy stuff, I'm gonna be tough. Mercy is out;
cryin' and pleadin' ain't gonna count. I'll be gettin' some homies to watch my
back, no more losers like my old school pack. I took a look at my past and this
time it won't be like the last. Twelve Jews I had before but not no more. Can't
you see I'm goin' PC. Luke and John are gone, now its Hose and Juan. And that
ain't all, no more Peter and Paul. We got Devon and Tyrone and they're not
alone. We're getting' Kim and Chang to round out the gang. I'm gonna vet 'em
all real good; no more Judas hangin' in my hood. Better hope you're on my right
side, cause if you're not on my list you’re gonna be pissed. I'll be comin' on
a cloud, it'll gonna be thunder and loud. Lightning will be lit and the whole
World will shit. Now there you go, you got my whole diddy. Just wait and see,
it ain't gonna be pretty.
GABRIEL
(O.S.)
Now you're talkin' home boy!
Cut to:
EXT. A CITY STREET CORNER – day time.
Suddenly
JESUS and the angel GABRIEL appear out of nowhere. Jesus is blonde haired, blue
eyed and wearing his long white robe as usual. Gabriel appears in a white robe
and without wings.
GABRIEL
I thought John said you would
be "coming on a cloud with thunder and lightning" not "under a
cloud with thunder and lightning"?
Jesus
is wearing a cardboard sign around his neck and holding a cup - the sign reads
"The End is near".
JESUS
This is the best we can do.
Church attendance is way down and Dad says he's got budget problems!
Suddenly
it begins to rain. Jesus snaps his fingers and an umbrella salesman appears on
the corner. The salesman is a big man with bulging muscles.
SALESMAN
Looks like you two gents need
umbrellas. Five bucks each.
Jesus
hands him two dollars.
SALESMAN
(cont’d)
No discounts pal! Ever heard of
supply and demand?
JESUS
But "Blessed are the
poor"!
SALESMAN
Looks like the poor are going
to be blessed and wet then.
Jesus
reaches behind the salesman's ear and pulls out a ten dollar bill.
GABRIEL
Why didn't you just give him
the ten dollars in the first place?
JESUS
I read The Art of the Deal.
GABRIEL
What do you mean by that?
JESUS
The sub title was "How to
Stiff Everybody You Can and Get Away With It".
GABRIEL
Then why did you give up so
quick and pay him the ten bucks right away like that?
JESUS
Did you see how big he was? He
looked like one of the everybody’s that you couldn't stiff and get away with
it! Now watch this!
Jesus
reaches behind Gabriel’s ear and holds up a twenty dollar bill.
GABRIEL
How did you do that?
JESUS
I am the worker of miracles
great and small.
(a beat)
And besides I always wear long
sleeves.
GABRIEL
I thought you said there were
budget problems?
JESUS
That was the last of my Holy
Communion money.
Suddenly
a SKATEBOARDER whizzes by and grabs the twenty from Jesus’s hand. He is a life
sized, black Bart Simpson. He yells back.
Skateboarder
Eat my shorts suckers!
Jesus
and Gabriel are left standing with a stunned look as the Skateboarder
disappears down the street.
GABRIEL
The Second Coming was supposed
to be at Megiddo? How come we're here in the south side of Chicago?
JESUS
Megiddo is too dangerous.
GABRIEL
How are we going to get the
message of your Second Coming out with only that cardboard sign? We need media
exposure. We gotta get on TV or go viral on the Internet.
JESUS
You should have thought of that
before we left.
GABRIEL
Me? You're supposed to be the
all-knowing, the omnipotent one.
JESUS
Okay, I'm blaming it on Obama
and the liberal media then.
GABRIEL
Hey, the media! That could be
our ticket! Maybe we could get on a talent show like American Idol or America's
Funniest Home Videos? We would get
plenty of exposure. Can you sing?
JESUS
Only hymns.
GABRIEL
Can you play a musical
instrument?
JESUS
I had harp lessons.
GABRIEL
Can you act?
JESUS
I was in a passion play once.
GABRIEL
I guess we gotta think of
something else.
JESUS
(a beat)
I got it. You said America's
Funniest Home Videos? They love the videos where people really get hurt. So
here's what we do. We get you hit by a bus and both of your legs are broken, like
I mean compound fractures, blood all over the place. Then I come along and heal
you on the spot? You get up and start dancing around like Rick Perry on Dancing
With the Stars.
GABRIEL
Bad idea. Very bad idea.
(a beat)
How about if we get you rich, really
rich. That would get you on TV. You could host Celebrity Apprentice or Lives of
the Rich and Famous. Everybody loves rich people.
JESUS
But what about a rich man and a
camel passing through the eye of a needle?
GABRIEL
That's old school! Rich is the
new religion.
Chapter 2
Casting Lots
Suddenly,
a bus rides passed them. On the side of the bus is a large picture of an Indian
holding a fist full of cash. The sign reads "Pale Faces Wins Mucho Wampum
Every day at Kickapoo Kasino". Gabriel points to the sign excitedly.
GABRIEL
Hey look at that! There's our
answer!
JESUS
What's Kickapoo Kasino?
GABRIEL
That's where they serve plenty
of fire water and cast lots!
JESUS
The last time I saw casting
lots I lost my shirt! I'm not so sure about this?
GABRIEL
It's all different now! They
don't crucify anymore. They just have guys in the back room that will break
your legs if they think you're winning too much.
JESUS
Are you sure we will win?
GABRIEL
Of course! There aren't any
losers. I've seen it on TV. Everybody always wins.
Suddenly
bird shit falls on Jesus's shoulder.
GABRIEL
What was that?
JESUS
The Holy Ghost is wishing us
luck.
Jesus
walks up to a car stopped at the red light on the street in front of him.
JESUS
Excuse me! Do you know where the
Kick-a- .
DRIVEr
No handouts pal. Get rid of the
dress and get a haircut and a shave and a job. You cross dressing bums make me
sick!
He
rolls up the window and speeds off as the light changes.
JESUS
Well, so much for the meek
inheriting the Earth.
JESUS
Don't we need some money to
start with?
Gabriel
bends down and pulls a small wade of cash from his sock and shows it to Jesus.
GABRIEL
Here I got about twenty bucks.
JESUS
Where did you get that?
GABRIEL
I've been saving it for a rainy
day. Is it raining?
JESUS
Sure is! Let's go!
INT. KICKAPOO KASINO AT THE CRAPS TABLE.
A
scantily clad waitress carrying a tray walks up to Jesus and Gabriel.
WAITRESS
What will you boys have to
drink?
GABRIEL
What do you have?
WAITRESS
Whatever you want Honey!
JESUS
How about wine?
WAITRESS
Red or white?
GABRIEL
Red of course!
The
waitress turns and walks away and soon returns with the wine.
JESUS
Do you have any crackers?
GABRIEL
Do you have to do the
"This is my body" thing every time we have a glass of wine? It's
getting to be embarrassing.
JESUS
Okay - forget the crackers.
Gabriel
looks toward the craps table.
GABRIEL
I've been watching. Every time
a new stickman takes over the table he gives the dice to the newest player at
the table.
JESUS
Here comes a new stickman now!
GABRIEL
Let's get over there now and
he'll probably give you the dice.
Jesus
and Gabriel hurry to the table. Jesus puts down his twenty dollars. The stick
man pushes the dice to Jesus.
STICKMAn
New shooter comin' out!
Jesus
picks up the dice and cups them in his outstretched hand. He closes his eyes
and moves his lips silently praying. After a few seconds a PLAYER from across
the table yells.
PLAYER
For Christ's sake will you
throw the god damn dice!
Jesus
is startled and immediately throws the dice. They come up as a six. He stares
angrily staring at the other Player.
JESUS
(loudly)
See what you made me do! You
broke my concentration!
GABRIEL
(tugging a Jesus' arm and in a
low voice)
Master - calm yourself.
Jesus
pauses, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He then looks back at the
other player and speaks.
JESUS
(in a relaxed voice)
Thy sins are forgiven thee.
PLAYER
(Shouting)
What is that supposed to mean?
Jesus
again pauses, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
JESUS
It means I'll let it go this
time but don't let it happen again.
PLAYER
(Shouting)
Or what?
Jesus
waves his hand in the player's direction.
PLAYER
(CONT'D)
(Shouting)
What do you think you're
gonna..
Suddenly
in mid-sentence the Player's lips continue to move but he does not speak. He
grasps his throat in panic.
JESUS
(sharply)
That's what!
After
a second or two Jesus again waves his hand in the player's direction. The
Player regains his speech, removes his hands from his throat and mumbles
quietly to himself.
JESUS
Okay - I'll let you off with a
warning this time. Don't do it again because I'm fresh out of forgivenesses.
Gab bet the pass line again!
Jesus
picks up the dice again holds them out in cupped hands and mutters. He throws
the dice. They strike the wall bounce off and come up with a five and a two.
After a second the two flips over to a one. Jesus makes the point and everyone
is paid. Jesus again picks up the dice and immediately starts to throw. Gabriel
grabs his arm and stops him before he can throw.
GABRIEL
Boss - You forgot to bless
them.
JESUS
Nah! Not necessary. I gave them
my premium blessing the first time out. All the bugs are gone. It should stick
for the rest of the night without any updates.
Jesus
throws the dice. They strike the wall, bounce off and both spin on their points
for two seconds and then fall into a six and one. Jesus continues to throw the
dice.
Close ups - the dice thrown three times in
rapid succession
The
dice come up with seven in different combinations each time.
The
crowd can be heard cheering as these shots run. A crowd surrounds Jesus at the
table. Gabriel begins tugging on Jesus’s arm.
GABRIEL
Remember what I told you about
winning too much?
Jesus
pulls away.
JESUS
Don't bother me when I'm hot!
He
throws the dice again. Suddenly two men in black suits and sunglasses appear
behind Jesus and Gabriel.
MAN
ONE
What are you boys up to?
JESUS
About twenty thou.
MAN
ONE
That's not what I mean. We
think you're cheating.
JESUS
So whoever knows the right
thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
MAN
TWO
What the hell does that mean?
GABRIEL
We didn't cheat!
MAN
ONE
Well we think you did. Nobody
wins that much except on TV commercials and in the movies. You can walk out the
front door or be carried out the back door. Which is it gonna be?
Jesus
and Gabriel turn and walk towards the front door. When they are halfway to the
door Jesus turns and shouts.
JESUS
(Yelling)
Lying lips are an abomination
to the Lord!
Gabriel
immediately gives Jesus a startled look.
GABRIEL
What are you crazy? Come on
let's get outta here!
The
two men start to run towards them. Gabriel grabs Jesus by the arm and they both
run out the door and down the street.
EXT. THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE CASINO – EVENING
Jesus
and Gabriel are walking and counting their winnings. Suddenly two masked men
with guns approach them.
FIRST
MASKED MAN
Gimme your money.
Jesus
reluctantly holds out the money while speaking.
JESUS
You guys look Samaritan. You're
not from Samaria are you?
FIRST
MASKED MAN
Where the fuck is that?
SECOND
MASKED MAN
Shit no man - we're visiting
from the South Bronx.
The
robbers grab the money and take off.
GABRIEL
Why did you ask if they were
from Samaria? Didn't you tell a story about the Good Samaritan?
JESUS
Samaria doesn't always send
their best. They send drug dealers, criminals, rapists and muggers. I assume
there are some good ones in the bunch but evidently not these two.
GABRIEL
Why didn't you stop them? What
are we gonna do now?
Jesus bends down and then
straightens up holding several hundred dollar bills.
GABRIEL
Another miracle? Have you been
holding out?
Jesus
points to one of his scandals.
CLOSE UP ON THE SCANDAL WITH AN OPEN SLIT IN
THE SIDE.
GABRIEL
(CONT'D) (o.S.)
Beautiful! I didn't know you
had Secret Pocket Sandals.
JESUS
(O.S.)
The Holy Mother didn't raise no
fool!
Close up - an advertisement poster.
An
advertisement poster for Secret Pocket Scandals is shown while the ANNOUNCER is
speaking. The poster shows three Bible figures wearing the sandals, pulling up
their robes and pointing to them. All three are smiling broadly. Behind each in
the background are pictures of the Ten Commandments Tablets, Noah's Arc and The
Burning Bush. At the bottom of the poster - "Secret Pocket Sandals - TM -
All our sandals are made right here in Galilee by Jews - Call now - HIDYURSHIT
(443-987-7448)"
Announcer
(O.S.)
Only three easy payments of
19.95 drachmas plus postage and handling. But wait - get both sandals with our
secret pocket technology while this offer lasts. Just pay separate postage and
handling.
